Review: 1648
Category: Years
Author: Pope Gregory XIII
Rating: 47%
The year 1648 in the Gregorian calendar is a leap year, and as such is currently agreed to signify a 366 day period of human history. The specific 366-day period known as 1648 preceded the one called 1649, and followed shortly after the one known as 1647. It is expressed as MDCXLVIII in roman numerals.
1648 was definitely a slow-news year, with not a great deal going on: but that’s okay, a neutral year can still be great; it’s definitely better than 1939, for example, or 30, which is unpopular for a couple of reasons. In terms of the solar system at large, 1648 was also a very uneventful year- although since man invented the telescope at the beginning of the 17th Century, the planets were now under surveillance and had to stop slacking off.
This was a pretty good year for the ending of wars. The eighty years war ended in January, and the thirty years war ended in October- meaning a total of 110 years of war were put to rest. Sadly however, Oliver Cromwell invaded London, initiating the second half of the English civil war, and in the Ukraine the Khmelnytsky Uprising began as well, resulting in the massacre of 20,000 jews- so overall, we'll call it a wash.
In births and deaths, the human race lost a few people you’ve probably never heard of, and gained more of the same- along with the composer J.M. Bach, who is not to be confused with his more talented cousin, J.S. Bach. So close, 1648. So close.
In terms of human achievement we’re also coming back empty handed; nitric acid was discovered, and the land-ship was invented. I must admit, nitric acid is at least quite a powerful acid, even if it doesn’t have many uses- and is known to be strong enough to melt various metals and most organic materials. The land ship, on the other hand, is just a ship with wheels, and is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.
In Boston, 1648 saw the execution of Margaret Jones, suspected witch. Her husband, also suspected of witchcraft, was later released. They knew that she was a witch because she had a third nipple, and predictions that she made sometimes came true. By that logic the modern world is absolutely infested with witches, so we could do with taking a leaf out of 1648's book. In any case, fun as this is, it’s a little overshadowed by events at Salem later that century, so 1648 has been outclassed again.
One event, however, gives 1648 its meagre but crowning glory: during the siege of Colchester, a certain cannon was blown off the wall, had a great fall, and inspired a nursery rhyme. God knows why, because honestly I can’t see why a child would ever be interested in the events of the civil war at all. Luckily, someone decided that Humpty Dumpty should actually be represented as a hideous part-man-part-ovum, which had a much greater and enduring appeal. Children are insane.
1648 was a poor year all round, and I don’t know about you but I could definitely get by without Humpty Dumpty and nitric acid. It could have been a lot worse, though, so we should be thankful for that, at least. As far as I know there are no plans to re-run 1648, and I- as well as 20,000 Jews and 1 witch- will be happy if it stays that way.
