Review: The Clanger
Category: Animals
Author: Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin
Rating: 93%
The Clanger is a relatively small, pink hued space rodent closely related to the moon mouse; unlike that species, however, it possesses no true tail. The clanger is found predominantly on a small green planet that is located far from earth; they subsist on a diet of blue-string pudding and a nourishing green soup, which is procured via a symbiotic relationship with a reptilian cohabitant of that planet referred to as a ‘soup dragon’. The ‘small green planet’ population of clangers is the only known colony in existence, and is limited to five individuals. The species takes its name from the dustbin lid it uses to seal its burrow, resulting in a ‘clanging’ noise every time it emerges. They communicate with one another via nuclear magnetic resonance, which is audible to the human ear as a sound closely resembling that of the swanee whistle.
The clangers are a very peaceable race, and seem to be relatively intelligent; I like that about them. Then again, to be honest, I admire any animal which can evolve and survive in the cold vacuum of space. Clangers lead a bloody harsh life, when you think about it: they’re small and cute, and yet instead of being eaten by large reptiles like terrestrial mice, they force said lizards to serve them delicious soup. Whatever it is that’s so appealing about the clanger, clearly the dragon has picked up on it too.
They live far, far away from planet Earth, which is an excellent place to park your planet if you even resemble something edible. Human beings seem to have a curious weakness for enslaving and devouring other species, so the farther away from this danger the minute population of clangers can get the better. After all, they look like little pigs. Not a good sign.
The dustbin lids are an extra precaution, as are the burrows; as far as we know, the little green planet is no colder at night than it is during the day, since it has no atmosphere. Therefore, the clangers just build burrows- since they have no natural predators- in case of emergency. This is incredibly sensible, and probably a good example of why the clanger is still around.
Sadly, the clanger seems to have no natural defence system, unless you count their nuclear magnetic resonance, which could probably cause cancer in cases of repetitive or prolonged exposure. Even if it could, this still wouldn’t be a reliable form of defence; however, I can’t see how you could ever kill one, so there’s not really any way to oppose them.
The Clanger is a true extremophile: able to exist in the vacuum of space, in freezing perpetual night, without air, water, or any food except some blue string. These things are probably more difficult to kill than Terminator, so we should certainly surrender to them our respect, as well as our extreme caution. One day the clangers will find Earth- and on that day, humanity will be forced to whistle a very different tune.
