Review: The Electron
Category: Subatomic Particles
Author: J.J. Thomson
Rating: 20%
The electron is a subatomic particle- with a negative charge- belonging to the first generation of the lepton particle family. Its components, if it has any, have yet to be discovered; as such, it is considered an elementary particle. It has a mass of 9.10938291(40) x 10^-31Kg, and is the opposite of a positron.
The electron is a funny little particle. With its diminutive size it might be considered the underdog of the subatomic world, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. The particle has many interesting attributes, but it seems to me that electron shells are really its main party trick. Without electron shells, molecules would fall apart- electrons are the glue which holds us all together.
Electron shells, the big achievement of the electron, work because electrons prefer to hang out in groups. But how benign is the electron really? After all, it would just as happily glue one O to another O to make O2 as it would one Na to one Cl. That’s pretty cold. And then there’s the fact that they’ll stick a C to a single O- and when they find out there still aren’t enough of them, they’ll console themselves by bonding irreparably with your blood; electrons obviously turn nasty fast.
And hey, come to that, why 2-8-8 etc? Where’s the logic? People don’t ask enough questions about electrons. Because they do such an important job, they’ve been given a free reign; we’ve just got to assume that there’s a higher purpose we aren’t seeing. I, for one, don’t trust it.
You may think me paranoid for thinking this way, but if these questions aren’t asked we’ll never know the truth. Whatever the reasons, there’s something fishy about electrons; consider this: the electrons have given us the electron microscope, a powerful microscope which has been a boon to science. Can you study electrons with it? No. They’re- conveniently- too small.
Circuits only lull people into a false sense of security. In a light-producing circuit, what do you look at? The bulb. It’s the same with anything else- and meanwhile, the electrons are crawling about in the wires, in and out of the battery, wherever they want. We all enjoy electricity, but at what cost?
The electron is no underdog, it’s a particle with a Napoleon complex. It’s angry with the world, and has turned to manipulation and conspiracy. If you still don't believe me, scroll back up to the picture; try looking into the centre without feeling like you're Frodo gazing into the eye of Sauron. The electron is evil. I don’t know what it’s planning, but I sure as hell don’t want to find out. The atoms which electrons stick to are sometimes monovalent, but always malevolent- so avoid this particularly nasty particle whenever you can.
