Review: China
Category: Countries
Author: Fu Xi
Rating: 86%
China is a country on the continent Asia, planet Earth. The name is actually derived from a Persian word- in the Chinese language, Mandarin, China is referred to simply as ‘The Central Kingdom’. China has one of the longest continuous histories in the world, spanning over 4,000 years. The country is home to one of the wonders of the world- the great wall of china, which many still erroneously believe can be seen from space. The Chinese people have been responsible for many significant technological advancements, such as gunpowder and the wheelbarrow. Including the great wall, they have built enough defensive structures to encircle the globe 1.5 times; they also have the world’s largest standing army, and second-largest defence budget. China has been subject, historically, to dynasto-imperial rule. Today, the People’s Republic of China- under the Communist Party of China- is the largest and most populous state in the world, with 1.3 billion citizens spread over 9,640,821 square kilometres. They have the fastest growing economy in the world.
China is probably the most evil country in the world. There is a lot of evidence for this, but probably the best piece is its subjugation of Tibet, which is probably the most peaceful and spiritual country in the world. China managed to get away with stealing all of Tibet’s assets, citizens and land via the simple exponent of moving in and changing Tibet’s name to ‘the autonomous region of China’, which was clearly enough to allay suspicion.
No one seems to be able to argue with China, because everyone owes China money. America, for example, owes China $900,000,000,000 as of the beginning of this year. That’s quite a lot. They say money can’t buy happiness- and even if it could, China wouldn’t, because it’s a bitter country that hates the world.
China’s problems began in the 19th century, when it slept through the industrial revolution. As a result of this it fell behind all the other countries, and it hasn’t forgiven them since. Now it’s caught back up, and it’s still not happy.
China is the only country to censor Google in a way so misleading that even Google couldn’t put up with it. A search for ‘Dalai Lama’ wouldn’t even return any results on Google.cn- it would just bring up an error message. Probably something along the lines of Error: your government’s conscience has become contaminated. Just kidding, it’s a standard error message. And the Chinese government has no conscience.
China is currently making a habit of building ghost-cities. It consumes more building materials per capita than any other state, and the majority is going into building roads, housing and amenities that are entirely unused. Why? To try and lower the obscene property prices in the main cities, of course. But no one wants to move to the new cities, because there’s nothing there. Bummer.
Obviously, China is therefore a very evil country. But it’s awesome at being an evil country. Iraq, Russia, Afghanistan- they’re all evil, of course. But who else but China could kill Tibetan children with one hand, and welcome you to the Olympic games in Beijing with the other? No one can do what China does- if you're looking for an evil country, it's hard to imagine a better choice: it’s not just an evil country, it’s an evil genius country. If evil's not your thing though, this probably isn't the country for you- it certainly isn't for everyone. I recommend that it be given the whole of Antarctica to use as its grim and icy lair. They call it China because it’s China take over the world [read it out loud]; one of these days it will probably succeed.
