Review: Snake Mountain
Category: Fortresses
Author: Skeletor
Rating: 39%
Snake Mountain is a fortress located in the dark hemisphere of the planet Eternia. It takes its name from the giant snakelike deposit of rock which encircles it, culminating in a giant snake head from which runs a river of what appears to be lava. The origin of Snake Mountain is unknown, but sources suggest that it was built, to some degree, by Skeletor the Lord of Snake Mountain. Skeletor acquired the necessary architectural instruction from a set of disks- the golden disks of knowledge- which he stole from Zanthor. Since Skeletor was, at that time, a pupil of Hordak (the lord of the evil hordes), the fortress was used as a base when Hordak attempted to invade Castle Greyskull. As Skeletor’s master, Hordak was the effective owner of Snake Mountain, until he was forced to flee to Etheria when his invasion was only partially successful. Skeletor, however, remained on Eternia, and so ownership passed to him. There is some evidence that Snake Mountain pre-existed both Hordak and Skeletor as the domain of the snake-men. This is unconfirmed.
There is no doubt that Snake Mountain is a very attractive property. It offers unrivalled views, and there can certainly be no complaint about the charming serpent motif, which is so well done. It’s also incredibly spacious, although the hewn-from-the-rock look is quite basic, and loses the sharpness that some of the spaces could command. The fact that it is a live volcano was initially a concern- but for some reason lava seems to flow out of the snake head with constant pressure, so I assume there’s some sort of regulator there.
The property doesn’t get a lot of light, since it is located on the dark side of Eternia. This isn’t so much of an issue though, since it actually has no windows. Snake Mountain must cost a bomb for lighting, but the silver lining is you won’t need heating because of all that lava. I think it all works out. There are also no neighbours to compete with, since no one wants to live near Snake Mountain, and no garden to maintain since nothing can grow near Snake Mountain. It’s super-low maintenance, and as such is ideal for the villain who spends a lot of time tormenting others (i.e. any villain).
The interior is a different story; I’m told a lot of the appliances in here are run by ‘magic’, but you’ve also got a lot of electrical gadgets, as well as some more basic Tomb Raider style traps. Seriously, you won’t believe your eyes: it’s like Skeletor has just furnished every room with whatever looked most evil, from any historical period. They don’t make a lot of this stuff anymore, so don’t count on any of the warranties still being active. If something goes wrong, it’ll be a nightmare just figuring out whether you need a technician or a wizard. Headache.
As a base, Snake Mountain has a lot going for it; as a fortress, it’s a bit of a let-down. There are no walls, no gates... there’s not even a door. Seriously, it’s a cave in a mountain: anyone could just walk in here, anytime. As far as I can see, the only thing stopping people from wandering into Snake Mountain is the fact that nobody wants to go in. I don’t know what Skeletor was thinking. I’ve seen petrol stations with better security. Indefensible.
I wouldn’t recommend using Snake Mountain as a fortress anytime soon. It’s more of an evildoer’s holiday home; all image, no practicality. If you feel like taking a punt, you could probably do worse, but this place is going to need a lot of work, inside as well as out. If it’s not brought up to scratch, I guarantee you, you’re going to end up having your evil plans foiled on a weekly basis.
