Review: Paper
Category: Inventions
Author: Cai Lun
Rating: 55%
Paper is the name of a hugely versatile substance used all over modern Earth. It is produced via the simple expedient of macerating various plant fibres and, more recently, bleaching said fibres, before pressing and drying them to form a continuous sheet. The resultant product can then be used for a variety of purposes, including nest-building and communication. Two species on Earth are known to utilise paper: humans and wasps. It is therefore theorised that over the course of any race’s history, their rate of paper-production is roughly equivalent to their output of evil. Paper was invented in China, between the year -200 and the year +200 in the Common Era.
I have to admit, paper is fairly useful. Over time, it has been used to convey- via various languages- a fair portion of the sum of all human knowledge, effectively rendering such knowledge cumulative. Of course, this largely amounts to a load of dangerous nonsense, but you have to allow for the occasional gem: The Very Hungry Caterpillar, for example, or anything written by James Herriot. Paper’s only as good as the people who write on it though.
It’s a bigger problem than you think. Sure, everyone enjoys On the Origin of Species, but what most people don’t realise is that Darwin also wrote The Formation of Vegetable Mould Through the Action of Worms and On the Various Contrivances by which British and Foreign Orchids are Fertilized by Insects, and on the Good Effects of Intercrossing. Pithy title much, Darwin? Seriously, that’s a hit rate of 1/3, and that’s from a man who was so good that his image was preserved on common currency 150 years later. I would say assuming 10% of books, overall, were worthwhile would be generous; that’s a lot of wasted trees.
While being unassuming in its mundanity, however, the paper sheet is also one of the greatest weapons known to man. It is capable of inflicting at complete random a wound more painful and insidious than any other: the paper cut. There is no pattern to the occurrence of such injuries, and science has yet to explain them, but if I had my way I would have a sword made out of razor-paper. Such a sword wouldn’t make an opponent die; it would just make them wish they were dead.
The paper airplane on the other hand is a terrible invention, and unsuitable- as a craft- to convey anything at all, over any substantial distance. Paper boats are the same, and paper lanterns aren’t even worth mentioning. Paper is also very limited as a building material, because no one in their right mind would ever construct anything substantial out of papier-mâché. They say that paper is versatile, but it’s only versatile in the same way that toothpaste is versatile. You could use it for many purposes, but you won’t, because it’s only good at one thing.
I’m not keen on paper. But there’s no real way of predicting what the world would be like now if it had never been invented; I’m not a troublemaker, by nature, so there’s no point trying to go switching things around now. At the end of the day, if I'm to scared to abolish it, it must be doing something right. I’m suspicious we could get by without it though, even if they do have to find something else to make Christmas cracker hats from.
