Kal-El (Superman)

Review: Kal-El (Superman)

Category: Heroes

Author: Jor-El and Lara

Rating: 52%

Kal-El, also known as Clark Kent, is a Kryptonian superhero whose alter-ego is referred to as Superman. He came to earth in the early 1930s, after the destruction of his home planet, Krypton. His costume- A blue suit with a stylised ‘S’ set in a shield on the chest, with red boots, knickers, cape and yellow belt- is instantly recognisable; he is one of the most iconic superheroes to ever live on earth. His powers have proved considerably unstable over his lengthy career; originally imbued only with super strength and speed, he has since then acquired various abilities including: flight, ice-breath, micro- and telescopic vision, super-hearing and invulnerability. Kal-El married human female Lois Lane in 1996.

There’s no denying that Superman is an archetypal hero- but my main problem is with those fluctuating powers. How could he ever be dependable? I doubt even he can remember which powers he’s retaining, and when: you might call on him for ice-breath, and find that he’s only got heat-emitting vision. That’s, like, the opposite of what you need. There’s just no organisation, I guess, and that’s the heart of the issue for me.

Another issue is that back-story: he came from a dying, decrepit community which couldn’t support itself for much longer, and he came to America to do jobs that regular Americans wouldn’t even think possible? It’s been 79 years- immigration will be beating the door down any day now. Where does that leave those of us who need saving? In the lurch, that’s where. Or it would, if Superman's arch nemesis wasn't Lex Luther, who- terrifyingly enough- has the power of 'high intelligence', and the profession of scientist. Shocker.

His persona is fair enough, but it’s kind of got no USP. That’s something that really devalues the whole operation: saying ‘Superman’ is just like saying ‘really good man’. How is that going to stand up to other heroes? Sure, it’s straightforward: it does what it says on the tin. It’s just a little flat. It’s not a concept that can stand up to modern competition- why not re-brand? With a new costume, some sort of characteristic weapon- hobnail boots, for example- and be Sole Man, or The Boot, or Kickstart. Anything! Anything would be better than ‘Superman’.

There’s nothing wrong with the alter-ego, Clark Kent is perfectly respectable and makes an ideal mild-mannered double. Very little in the way of actual disguise, except glasses- it has been commented on- but whatever works; critics will be critics. At the end of the day, if glasses are enough to fool the populace, then that’s the problem of the populace, not Kal-El.

There’s always the kryptonite thing, though. That’s kind of an Achilles heel, no? After all, Kryptonite is what the planet Krypton was made of before it blew up- so there’s at least a planet’s worth of it floating around out there somewhere. Achilles heel was vulnerable- but hey, it was only the size of a tennis ball, and he always knew where it was. That’s not to mention the weird fact that Kryptonians live on a planet made of a substance that poisons them. Maybe it’s best that place blew up- it was obviously a huge safety hazard.

There’s no doubt that Superman is the old mainstay of metropolitan mass-protection; the first word in righting the wrongs of evil-doers. He’s just a little bit past it, for me. We can all recognize the contribution he’s made over the years, but frankly it’s high time he retired, leaving the stage to new powers and new voices. He may be well-loved now, but nothing gets old faster than an unwelcome superhero: if he’s not careful, a couple of years down the line he’ll find out that he’s become the kryptonite of everyone else.

孫悟空 (Monkey)

Review: 孫悟空 (Monkey)

Category: Heroes

Author: Chaos

Rating: 96%

Sun Wukong, otherwise known as Monkey, is an anthropomorphic monkey with magic powers. He is most notable for his exploits alongside the river demon Sandy and the pig spirit Pigsy, as the trio escorted the monk Tripitaka westward. Sun was originally born out of a stone egg, which was laid by chaos itself. He has too many powers to easily list, but they include incredible growth, strength, transformation, elemental manipulation, and effective flight. He is immortal, and also bears the title of ‘buddha’, since he has achieved enlightenment.

I love Sun Wukong. He’s got amazing powers, but better than that, he has a great attitude. When he became the leader of the monkeys, he awarded himself the title ‘handsome monkey king’, with a self-love which rivals that of Charlie Sheen. That’s just great- monkey is a great guy, and he’s smart enough to know it. People don’t realise how important self-affirmation is: Socrates famously admitted that all he knew was that he did not know enough, and he was put to death. There’s no shame in self-promotion, and Wukong is wise enough to know that. Anyway, whether he was handsome or not, he was also smart enough to hang around with a huge pig-man the whole time. That works wonders for your comparative attractiveness.

Monkey wasn’t ashamed to have a ridiculous number of spurious powers. Some superheroes keep to a handful of powers at most; Monkey has so many you couldn’t even remember them all. He also, unlike most superheroes, spends most of his time using these powers for selfish material gain. When he’s not doing that, he’s trying to force more people to acknowledge how great he is- like that time when he demanded that he be named ‘Great Sage equal of Heaven’. This was essentially the same plan that Lucifer had, but Sun Wukong was such a pain in heaven’s arse that they eventually gave in and let him have the title. Did Sun behave himself after that? No, he used his newfound authority to steal all the peaches from heaven’s garden. Why? Because he liked peaches. Duh.

However, Monkey did- under duress- lead the monk Tripitaka through 81 separate calamities, so that he could deliver his scrolls to the Western Buddha. During that time he fought evil spirits, solved mysteries, killed spider people, and went to a snow-viewing party. He served the forces of good, but he never forgot to make time for himself. Because of this, he managed to achieve enlightenment, as well as being the coolest monkey in the whole history of time. Unlike most superheroes, Monkey had no love interest. In the long run, it only saved him time, effort and money, so that’s another point to Wukong.

He’s so great that China celebrates his honour for a full day every year- the sixteenth day of the eighth lunar month. The problem is, though, that since China is so obviously evil, the chances are the world in general will need defending from hem sooner or later. I'm not saying that Monkey would favour his home country unfairly, I'm just saying that he'd be unlikely to shut down a country who pay him homage on a yearly basis. The moral? Globalise Wukong day. You know it makes sense.

I can’t think of anything else to tell you; if you’re not already convinced that Monkey is the greatest hero who ever lived, then I don’t know what else you're looking for. In times of need, the world can certainly-unless he has something more interesting to do- rely on Wukong: when it comes to heroics, he’s awe-sun.