1862

Review: 1862

Category: Years

Author: Pope Gregory XIII

Rating: 79%

The year 1862 in the Gregorian calendar is a leap year, and as such is currently agreed to signify a 366 day period of human history. The specific 366-day period known as 1862 preceded the one called 1863, and followed shortly after the one known as 1861. It commenced 1,861 years after the advent of the Common Era (CE). It is expressed as MDCCCLXII in roman numerals.

1862 was certainly a bloodthirsty year; in fact, September 17^th 1862 was- and remains- the bloodiest day in American History. The American Civil War was already underway, and suddenly everybody wanted a piece of the action. France, Spain and England decided to have an intervention in Mexico, which ultimately resulted in Cinco de Mayo becoming a festival. The Sioux, presumably annoyed because no one was paying them any attention any more, also decided to go mental and kill a whole load of settlers, to remind the Americans that they had more than one minority ethnic group to worry about.

Sure, Samuel Colt (inventor of firearms used, most importantly, to augment the arsenal of Tommy Vercetti in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City) died only ten days into 1862- but everyone else pitched in to make up for what the world had lost. In fact, Dr. Richard Gatling managed to patent the gun he’d invented this year, and began supplying it for use in the American Civil War. Good job Gatling! I hope whoever made you a doctor is turning in their grave.

The Civil War saw some pretty impressive advances, such as the launching of the first American iron-clad warship: the USS Monitor. The ironclad is certainly not as impressive as it sounds- it’s just a steam-powered boat with some armour. Then again, in fairness, I can’t think of anything as impressive as ironclad sounds, so it’s not so bad.

In August 14^th of this year, Abraham Lincoln became the first president to ever consort with black people- who, up until that time, had been a slave race under American law. Although this is certainly progress, it must be observed that Lincoln’s first question was ‘why can’t you go back to Africa?’, which is a little ignorant. Presumably, the former slaves answered with ‘that’s what we’ve been saying’, and no one was any the wiser. Aren’t people funny? 1862 was almost an iconic anti-racism year, but the emancipation proclamation was issued just over the border on January 1^st, 1863. This means that, in effect, 1862 must have been one of the most racist years ever, since people were more aware than ever that racism was wrong, but it was still OK. Not cool, 1862.

But not everything that happened this year was violent or racist; 1862 has something for everyone. This was the year that travel writer Anna Leonowens took up a post as educator to a certain Siamese king, giving rise to a number of fictionalised accounts of her experiences in print and film which have proved enduringly popular, including ‘The King and I’. Oh wait, that was also racist.

I love 1862, a year anyone could have been proud to live in. There are almost too many wars going on simultaneously: there’s no time for scientific advances, or great literary works when war and slavery are rife. I recommend that in order to recognize its brilliance, it be increased in size to cover a whole decade. All hail 1862!

1648

Review: 1648

Category: Years

Author: Pope Gregory XIII

Rating: 47%

The year 1648 in the Gregorian calendar is a leap year, and as such is currently agreed to signify a 366 day period of human history. The specific 366-day period known as 1648 preceded the one called 1649, and followed shortly after the one known as 1647. It is expressed as MDCXLVIII in roman numerals.

1648 was definitely a slow-news year, with not a great deal going on: but that’s okay, a neutral year can still be great; it’s definitely better than 1939, for example, or 30, which is unpopular for a couple of reasons. In terms of the solar system at large, 1648 was also a very uneventful year- although since man invented the telescope at the beginning of the 17^th Century, the planets were now under surveillance and had to stop slacking off.

This was a pretty good year for the ending of wars. The eighty years war ended in January, and the thirty years war ended in October- meaning a total of 110 years of war were put to rest. Sadly however, Oliver Cromwell invaded London, initiating the second half of the English civil war, and in the Ukraine the Khmelnytsky Uprising began as well, resulting in the massacre of 20,000 jews- so overall, we'll call it a wash.

In births and deaths, the human race lost a few people you’ve probably never heard of, and gained more of the same- along with the composer J.M. Bach, who is not to be confused with his more talented cousin, J.S. Bach. So close, 1648. So close.

In terms of human achievement we’re also coming back empty handed; nitric acid was discovered, and the land-ship was invented. I must admit, nitric acid is at least quite a powerful acid, even if it doesn’t have many uses- and is known to be strong enough to melt various metals and most organic materials. The land ship, on the other hand, is just a ship with wheels, and is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

In Boston, 1648 saw the execution of Margaret Jones, suspected witch. Her husband, also suspected of witchcraft, was later released. They knew that she was a witch because she had a third nipple, and predictions that she made sometimes came true. By that logic the modern world is absolutely infested with witches, so we could do with taking a leaf out of 1648's book. In any case, fun as this is, it’s a little overshadowed by events at Salem later that century, so 1648 has been outclassed again.

One event, however, gives 1648 its meagre but crowning glory: during the siege of Colchester, a certain cannon was blown off the wall, had a great fall, and inspired a nursery rhyme. God knows why, because honestly I can’t see why a child would ever be interested in the events of the civil war at all. Luckily, someone decided that Humpty Dumpty should actually be represented as a hideous part-man-part-ovum, which had a much greater and enduring appeal. Children are insane.

1648 was a poor year all round, and I don’t know about you but I could definitely get by without Humpty Dumpty and nitric acid. It could have been a lot worse, though, so we should be thankful for that, at least. As far as I know there are no plans to re-run 1648, and I- as well as 20,000 Jews and 1 witch- will be happy if it stays that way.